Dazed In The Life

So, I felt it was about time I gave an update on what’s actually happening in my actual life at this actual moment in time. Actually. My acting career continues apace, that pace being stationary. I will be moving to London by the end of this month in order to improve myself (what a horrendous phrase, the only thing needing improvement around here is my writing!).

This could be a horribly misguided decision, but here’s my thinking: I have no real professional qualifications as an actor, I have a relatively sparse CV compared to many others and I have come to the game a little late perhaps. All I have are my perceived talents (as perceived by me, they are few but ample) and a determination to do what I want to do. I will have exactly the same things in London as I will in Dublin, but with more jobs, a greater access to workshops and courses of a high standing which will equip me for this crazy game, a far greater respect for the artistic world as a profession with a larger number of high quality productions in high quality theatres, AND I’m Irish (a Unique Selling Point of sorts in London, of little interest in Ireland).

This is in no way demeaning the Irish arts scene. It is more a comment on the support it receives financially and the economics of population. Ireland’s population could be squeezed into the greater London area a couple of times over – it’s no wonder there are more jobs and there is more money to be had “across the water”, that there is a greater chance to make a living from acting as a single career, not in conjunction with another job. Not only that, but there is a framework for acting as a career built into the English educational system, with performance subjects included on the secondary school syllabus and dedicated drama schools – lots of them – churning out artists trained in a wide range of skills, fully equipping them for a life on stage and screen.

Dublin is a great city, small and intimate by comparison with London. The shift will be massive and the people I know will be few. In a city of millions, my friends could be counted on one hand. Of course I’m scared of what may happen. I could be back here in a year with my tail between my legs. I could end up being told one time too many that I’m not good enough. I could spend my days like the reserve goalkeeper, sitting on the bench but never being called upon to play – I watch the others do what I love without being allowed to join in. Then again, that’s been the theme of several chapters in the story of my life.

So I’m ripping those chapters out. Fuck anyone won’t let me join in. Fuck the idea of failure. Fuck those who say this is a bad idea. This is THE idea. This is how life should be: Chasing our dreams and catching them and never letting go. I’m not going to be realistic, I’m going to be idealistic because that’s the realism I prefer. I will work my skin off - until there is not a particle of Barry left - to be an actor, a successful actor who plays parts well and who earns his living. I will give every breath in my body and drop of my blood to do what I love, play a million characters, learn a billion lines, perform to the highest standards I can set.

Anyone who hires me will get nothing less than everything. Anyone who watches me will see me playing every role as if it were my last. Anyone who doesn’t believe in me will learn that I’m prepared to earn their belief the hard way. That includes me – if I ever forget what I’ve written tonight, if I ever doubt myself, will someone please link me to this page? Point at this entry and say “There. Do you remember? This is what it’s all about”.

So I shall go to London to seek my fortune, where the streets are paved with the gold of my dreams. I’m terribly lonely at the moment. A lot of my friends have moved away, or are busy pursuing courses or jobs or lives beyond mine. It is hard to keep in touch and yet, sitting at home every day, applying for auditions or sending out CVs, waiting for my luck to change, I see a Facebookful of faces pass by, smiling in different landscapes and speaking of new things. It’s impossible to live your life and not feel saddened by the loss of contact with all the hundreds, thousands of people you encounter as friends, if only for a day.

So any friends who read this: You know where I’m going. You know what I want to do. You know how big a challenge it will be. You know I may stumble and fall and end up bruised, bloodied and battered. But you know that I don’t want to be beaten. I want to do what everyone with a life should be able to do – live it how they want. We only get one life and it’s the longest thing we’ll ever do, as someone else wrote somewhere else, and I intend to make mine as long and as singularly mine as I can. But I’d appreciate your input. Your hello. Your “How are you?” Your help. Don’t be strangers, don’t let me get lost. Come and say hi, support me as I try to be an actor and the best Barry possible. And tell me your dreams in return, and let me help you too.