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I Blog, You Waffle, He Craves Attention… October 6, 2008

Posted by bazmcstay in Life.
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This is one small step for me and totally irrelevant in the greater scheme of mankind. Writing a blog gives one the sort of publicity which once was only afforded to those with a hotline to the TV, radio and newspaper editors. Now though, the magical Internet gives everyone the opportunity to be opinion columnists, to have their voices heard worldwide and, most bizarrely of all, to share their innermost thoughts, hopes, prayers and secrets, should they wish, with an international network of total strangers. It’s amazing to think, some day in the future, that the words of millions of us will remain preserved in electronic chips to be read and analysed whereas the letters and diaries of many of our ancestors have already been lost in the fires, floods and attics of time. Anyway, here it begins: My name is Barry McStay and this is My Blog.

What A Shame!!! Shame On The Mankind!!!! November 24, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Comedy, Life, Personal Favourites.
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Hmm. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: People google the strangest things. The title for this post is actually one of the search terms which led people to my blog. I’m more perturbed again by those who enter “photos of small children” or “rob kearney naked for charity” but this particular term, hording its many exclamation marks, caught my eye. It made me think. It has been over a year now since I began this blog and just yesterday I passed the 4,000 view mark. Is THAT a shame on mankind – sorry, THE mankind? Have you nothing better to read? There are libraries out there chock-full of great works of literature, bookshops brimming with Booker Prize winners and Nobel Laureates, dammit, even the back of cereal boxes have quite well-worded sentences.

But you come here. And for that I am most grateful.

Anyway, I thought of what I could do to mark the passing of the 4,000 mark, and I decided that, rather than being conscientious and continuing my writings about Africa (WHICH WILL BE COMPLETED, HONEST!), I would cop out and do a list-based entry. One of the first posts I ever wrote was about beautiful moments, and it was a list of 15 or 20 things that make me smile. Naturally, a list of things that make me froth at the mouth and bulge at the temple with rage would be many times longer. So, inspired by the exclamatory shaming of mankind by whoever-you-are (I think we shall call you Leonard, just for fun), I will just list the 100 things for which I think mankind has most to answer (I initially said 50 before realising exactly how many stupid / irritating / shit things mankind has come up with). Thanks Leonard. Of the 4,000 people who’ve visited this blog, you are definitely my favourite. Or at least, you’re the one with the most punctuation.

MANKIND’S SHAMEFUL 100 (In no particular order, although Simon Cowell may well be number 1 in any ACTUAL order).

  1. Simon Cowell
  2. Marmite
  3. Weightlifting
  4. The Sun (newspaper, not celestial body)
  5. Penis Enlargement Spam
  6. People who do your accent back to you because they think you sound funny.
  7. Juicy Couture
  8. Cigarettes
  9. Cigarette burns
  10. Sarah Palin / George W. Bush (Same person, different sex)
  11. Rap Music (I think it’s missing an E)
  12. Legwarmers
  13. Actually, the 80s in general
  14. The Twilight Series (They all look like heroin addicts. Hot heroin addicts.)
  15. LOL-ing
  16. Designer stubble
  17. Sweet Popcorn
  18. Facebook Chat
  19. Scientology
  20. Tom Cruise (Hmm, wonder why HE came into my head…)
  21. Ryanair
  22. Tuna
  23. Bad Drivers (Especially those who don’t indicate before turning or who beep as a substitute for shouting at you!)
  24. Deadlines
  25. The Cult Of Celebrity
  26. Unsolicited Garnishes (Sprigs of cress or, the worst, coleslaw)
  27. Eddie Murphy Films
  28. Cocktails With Names Designed To Make Hen Parties Scream With Laughter (e.g.: Screaming Orgasm)
  29. American Football
  30. 2 Girls 1 Cup
  31. Bryan Adams
  32. Saying The Word “Like”, All The Time, Like. (And I was like “No way!”, and she was, like, SO angry.)
  33. Urinals Above Standard Height
  34. Idolising Wordsworth’s Poetry (Don’t like his stuff, hence thinking his name is rather misleading)
  35. Ignoring Poetry (Except Wordsworth’s…)
  36. Big Brother
  37. Girls Who Wear Ugg Boots With Short Skirts And Call It Fashion
  38. The Phrase “I’m Not Racist, But…”
  39. FIFA
  40. Hiding The Electric Car Where No One Can Find It
  41. Postal Strikes
  42. Air Strikes
  43. GPS
  44. People Who Comment On Youtube With Hateful Bile Or Too Many Exclamation Marks (You listening, Leonard?)
  45. Surreptitious Mushrooms In Dishes Where No Mushrooms Are SPECIFICALLY Highlighted On The Menu
  46. World Of Warcraft
  47. The Hash (#) Symbol On Phones (I don’t know anyone who has # in their phone number)
  48. Ant And Dec
  49. ATMs Which Don’t Provide Tenners
  50. The “Serving Suggestion” Notice On The Front Of Food Boxes / TV Ads For Food
  51. Charity Muggers
  52. TV Aerials / Dishes
  53. 1st Generation iPods Which Died After About 3 Months
  54. Incongruous Skyscrapers
  55. Feng Shui (As practiced by middle-class Western mothers who saw something about it in a magazine once)
  56. The Birdie Song
  57. Aldi / Lidl
  58. Day-Glo
  59. Sandra Bullock’s Career
  60. Drunk Karaoke
  61. The Ringtone Industry
  62. Lord Of The Rings Fans
  63. Barbie
  64. Killing The Dodo (They look like they’d have been SUCH fun birds to have around)
  65. Milk Of Magnesia
  66. Lycra
  67. Pirates (The modern ones with guns and outboard motors, not the cool 18th century ones with cutlasses)
  68. Starbucks
  69. Duchamp’s Fountain (It’s a fucking urinal you found, it’s not art and your replicas simply capitalised on notoriety for financial gain)
  70. Self-Help Books With The Number Of Steps In The Journey To Perfection In The Title
  71. Clothes For Pets
  72. Blow-Up Dolls
  73. Christian Rock (That’s the music, not a person)
  74. Sky / Fox News
  75. Paisley (The modern use of the pattern, not the place nor the Reverand Doctor)
  76. Line-dancing
  77. Bestiality Porn
  78. Tetra-pak Easy Pour Spouts (LIES!)
  79. Bastardised Irish Names (Caitlin, Neve, Owen, Shawn, Ashleen, Kaden, ERIN!…)
  80. Alcopops
  81. Fish Knives
  82. Dan Brown
  83. Psychics / Mediums
  84. Interior Design Programmes
  85. Disneyland / World / Location
  86. Novelty Doorbells
  87. The Word “Bodacious”
  88. Genital Piercings
  89. People’s Names Tattooed In Eastern Alphabets They Don’t Understand
  90. Most Customer Service Helplines (*cough…NTL…cough. Actually, fuck the coughing. NT-COCKING-L!)
  91. Estuary English
  92. Katie Price’s Tits / Existence
  93. Bingo
  94. Late Night Television Phone-In Quizzes
  95. Formula 1 Motorsport
  96. Deck Chair Rental
  97. Pet Rocks
  98. Muzak
  99. Caravan Parks
  100. Hitler

Thought I’d end on a light-hearted note. HAPPY MY 4,000th VIEW EVERYONE!

A Bolt From The Blue November 17, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Other Sports.
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Usain Bolt. No more appropriate name could there be for the fastest man on the planet, with the possible exception of Flashy McSpeed. The Lightning Bolt. The slickest, coolest, quickest cat on the block. From the preening and posing – done with a boyish glee and bravado suitable to someone who genuinely is the best and knows it – to the globally-recognised lightning-strike celebration, Usain Bolt has every star quality in spades. Not only that, but he is a winner, and everyone loves a winner. Everyone loves watching someone outdo themselves, exceed expectation time and again, win not just easily but in mind-blowing fashion.

In Dublin Airport, on 20th August 2009, I sat in a bar waiting for a flight to Edinburgh and watched, admired and applauded as the world record for 200m was smashed by the brightest star in the athletics galaxy. The Berlin crowd went wild, everyone in our bar moved a little closer to the screen to check and recheck that time. 19.19 seconds. “Sweet Jesus!” “Incredible” and the wonderfully understated and unnecessary “Fuck, that’s fast.”

Athletics has had a rough time of it of late. Doping scandals are not quite as rife as they were during the horror years of the 80s and early 90s, when the likes of Ben Johnson and his 1988 Olympic 100m co-finalists were almost all disgraced, Flo-Jo’s superhuman times and early retirement left more than a whiff of suspicion around her greatness, and the Iron Curtain nations spewed out wave after wave of specially-created, steroid-filled robots. Yet they are still there, and still claim the high-profile names.

One such name is Marion Jones, an athlete universally admired at her peak for her enduring spirit, undeniable talent and apparent “clean-ness”. My granny – a huge fan of Jones – and I were surely not alone when Marion was found to be a cheat and forced to hand over her Olympic medals from Sydney. We had watched those games and marvelled at this engaging and gifted young woman who had carried all before her in a 5-medal haul. She was a shining beacon for fair play, or so we all thought. Then, in 2005, she was brought into disrepute along with the likes of Kelli White and Tim Montgomery in the course of the BALCO investigation, finally confessing to taking performance-enhancing drugs prior to the Olympics in 2000. She forfeited all results dating back to September of that year.

BALCO played a massive role in the continuing sorry tale of athletics cheats. Nowadays, many people watch athletics with a certain cynicism. Any athlete who displays great muscle mass, a sudden burst of form or an unprecedented success are sneered at with suspicion. Certainly, the scenes in the Cube at Beijing 2008 left many feeling cold and hollow, as China swept to gold medals left, right and centre, especially in the women’s events, some achieved by swimmers heretofore ranked beyond the top-20 in their discipline and by phenomenal margins. Witness again the furore surrounding Caster Semenya at the World Championships only a few short months ago, and it seems no champion is safe from the finger of suspicion and the taint of rumour.

Except, possibly, Usain Bolt. When a champion is JUST THAT GOOD, he is even more heavily scrutinised than those who have come before. He cannot go anywhere without being heavily drug tested; there is too much riding on him. With athletics on the ropes, Bolt is the Messiah viewed by all who love the sport as its saving grace. Here is a charismatic character, a surprisingly articulate and down-to-Earth speaker, and a superhuman runner. He is as Sea The Stars is to flat racing – the pinnacle of athleticism thus far, the greatest that has yet to be seen. He strolls past high quality fields which, in any other era, would be breaking records of their own. He is, quite simply, the perfect sprinter, with a long, easy stride and more gears than a spare-part shop.

So Usain Bolt CANNOT be a cheat. It is too important for athletics that he is a freak of nature (in the nicest possible way!) and nothing more. People who don’t always watch athletics will often watch the Olympics. It is rare that the World Championships would garner even half that attention, yet there were millions glued to the races featuring Bolt, both in that airport bar and around the world. He is the hottest ticket in town, the biggest draw the sport knows and the most vital part of an uncertain future. People WANT him to win, because they want to be able to say “I saw Bolt”. And they want him to be clean, because they want to be able to say “I saw Bolt, and he was the best, beyond doubt”.

If Bolt is clean, he will be remembered as a god by all who saw him, just as golfers remember Nicklaus or Hogan and will remember Woods, just as footballers remember Pelé or Maradonna and will remember Kaka, just as rugby players remember Willie John or Campese and will remember O’Driscoll. If he is clean, athletics will grow again, with new trust invested in its biggest names and a new generation of competitors all inspired to compete in one of the world’s oldest sporting traditions with a spirit of fair play on which the Olympics were founded. If he is clean, he will have single-handedly saved a dying sport, and a great sport.

If Bolt is a cheat…well, maybe it’s time for the majority of competitors to give up the game, because there will never be any joy in competing against peers you can no longer trust in front of dwindling crowds who, quite frankly, no longer care.

If I Were King October 30, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Vlog.
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So, I’ve been busy Me-Tubing and have my latest video: “My Country’s Good”. In it, I discuss my ideas for ruling my own country. Please view, rate, share and subscribe. And, if you can be bothered, please respond with your own videos / comments about what you would do if you were in charge. To be fair, most our current rulers are several Bushes short of an Obama, so it wouldn’t hurt to give someone else a try…

Upheaval October 24, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Life.
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Right now, my life is undergoing a fairly large upheaval. Well, several large upheavals. Each one would probably require its own individual blog post. In fact, each one would need its own website. Life outside the bubble of college is quite different to the micro-climate within it. I pierced the bubble back in June of this year, it collapsed and rained down around me in glittering rainbow shards, leaving me standing, blinking, open to the sky. Rather than being encased in the bubble, now I have to blow them for myself…

My Trip To Africa: Day Five – Fantasy Football, Gorillas and Goats October 21, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Africa, Travel.
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Mocki and Tim are suited and booted for their day of hard graft on our second day in Ek'Abana.
Mocki and Tim are suited and booted for their day of hard graft on our second day in Ek’Abana.

Breakfast today was less substantial than yesterday: the omlette was gone, leaving us with just rolls, some rotten butter and the traditional piss-poor tea. We again met Conny for the taxi to Ek’Abana and walked up the muddy track – Mocki by our sides this time, having been shoved into off-road mode. The cries of mzungu continued to follow us, especially from children and some women, but with what seems to be a sense of affectionate curiosity rather than malice.

Today we swapped jobs, with Tim delegated to the hard labour, mopping the library, washing its windows and, bizarrely, brushing the ceiling, and Mocki taking on my task of making today’s gourmet meal – a gruel called mkesha or fou-fou which we would eat with our bare hands, using it to wipe up haricot beans. Richard and I had the more relaxing task or joining the children in class. The class again began with dancing and drumming with some of the girls in a line doing coordinated moves. So, after some photo-taking – which the kids remained fascinated by, running riot with my camera – I hopped up and danced with them at some pushing from Aganze. I drafted in Richard for moral support and we were, as seems the case with any mzungu participation, smiled at and appreciated despite our inherent inability to look even half as fluid or rhythmic as the hordes of tiny dancers around us.

Richard and two of the Ek'Abana children talking down the back of the classroom. Old habits die hard...

Richard and two of the Ek'Abana children talking down the back of the classroom. Old habits die hard...

We sat down and class began which entailed reading and discussing a chapter from the Bible. Despite the conversation being in Swahili, I managed to pick up from the one French Bible which we were given that the section in question was that of Moses’ abandonment and adoption. We weren’t able to find out exactly how deeply this was discussed as the unfamiliar open sounds of Swahili passed across the long table, whether the comparison with the children’s situation was made. The poignancy was not lost on Richard and me though as we looked around at each little Moses. The grimness of their position is certainly not glossed over though, to judge by the poems they then recited – in French: “Merci”, which thanks God for their meagre gifts and preemptively thanks those who help the street child, and a second, whose name escapes me, which calls for the “droits des enfants” to be protected.

Sometimes there aren't the words to express the joy contained in a child's smile.

Sometimes there aren't the words to express the joy contained in a child's smile.

We drifted outside for dancing but today it was “modern” dance as opposed to traditional African and the children seemed a little less at home and enthusiastic about it all. However, Richard’s and my contribution to “La Macarena” was such that they replayed it so we could teach them and correct a couple of “mistakes” they were making! It’s nice to know that there is such a worldwide language as “Shit Novelty Dance”. Mostly though, we sat with the kids who weren’t dancing, chatting, taking photos, cuddling like there was no tomorrow.

I worried a lot less about total accurary with my French today too – tenses, genders etc. -, instead focusing on communicating sufficiently with the kids. The gateway to this is clearly kucheza, a lovely word which approximates to the Irish word craic: Fun and games, but also meaning dancing. I supplied no mean amount of piggy-backs, played football on a concrete alley at the top of the complex and then an amazingly simple game involving passing small pebbles around in a circle to a rhyme, basically ad infinitum or until someone messes up the rhythm: “On continue jusqu’a on a fatigué” – we keep going until we’re tired! The tactile familiarity and the sheer love of play and laughter among the children was completely infectious and we found ourselves become just as playful as they were! 

Action photography, courtesy of Mocki, of me being schooled by Aganze in the art of Alley Football.

Action photography, courtesy of Mocki, of me being schooled by Aganze in the art of Alley Football.

Lunch was lovingly prepared by Mocki and Anwarita although I struggled to finish the massive brick of fou-fou which was dumped into my bowl after I had stupidly said “Oh, that’s nice” on tasting a little. I did force it all down as we sat for a largely silent meal – it seems that eating is more important than chatting for those few minutes. After the meal, half the children came out the back of the kitchen to help with the washing-up before they all donned colourful knitted woollen vests. In this heat?! The Irish male melts at any temperature above 30 degrees and reserves the wearing of wool for the deep midwinter or “wolf in sheep’s clothing” parties. Apparently, these were the jerseys for the afternoon football game and had, for the most part, been made by the older children.

We climbed up the hill in a long line to La Marché, a dirt pitch, uneven and dusty, among some rundown buildings which turned out to be the fully operational accommodation of the Catholic University – you would never have known it to look at the fallen masonry, the caved-in roofs and the doors hanging off. The sun was searing and the dust was eye-scratching but we played football. And what a wonderfully exhausting experience. Tim and I were on one team with Richard and the Congolese students on the other.

With no distinguishing jerseys but the multitude of vests, picking out team-mates was a bit difficult and led to some slack passing by the Irish imports in the initial stages. The initial stages also revealed two other things: first, that Irish twentysomethings of university education will still laugh childishly upon being told a faintly rude-sounding foreign word like the French for dust, “poussiere”; and second, the basic tactic of these dusty football games is all run after the ball until the end of the game. One of the older girls issued me with a stern tactical instruction: ”We have no defence, just attack”. Again, the profundity of that statement struck me when I thought of these children fighting back against the apparent hopelessness of their situations. Ek’Abana prepares these children to counter-attack against the society which has shunned them.

Richard taking it all a little too seriously.

Richard taking it all a little too seriously.

I opened the scoring, nodding in at the far post off a cross from Tim to wild celebrations and unbridalled felicitations from my team-mates, the congratulations continuing long into the second half! We were all pretty wiped out by half-time, however, and took a more passive role in the second period, retiring to the shade on many occasions.

Mocki was already sweating with the heat despite the shady spot he was occupying, but the Congolese students then insisted on dragging us on a “2 or 3 minute walk” – that is to say, a 20 minute trek farther up the mountain over muddy and rocky paths to a hut where their organisation (Collectif Des Jeunes Unis Pour Le Developpement) was based. Now, by this stage we were all knackered and not really in the mood for unscheduled promotional trips. The walk itself involved being constantly asked whether we could see the lake / school / mountains – sightseeing, Congolese style! Or perhaps they were worried about our eyesight…?

The "Gorilla Gang" - we pushed through the tiredness barrier to see this masterpiece.

The "Gorilla Gang" - we pushed through the tiredness barrier to see this masterpiece.

We reached a clear area above the treeline which was lined with more huts and we came to one which was the base of CJUD, bedecked with some small pieces of art and one big gorilla. This sculpture and the other works were apparently carved by an artist friend of the students and were for sale in order to raise funds. We looked politely but were by now quite tired and a little unsure of why we had been taken on this little impromptu trip – we weren’t about to buy a gorilla statue, tempting though the offer was. We were especially concerned for Mocki who, despite his puerile mind at times, was that bit more advanced in age than the rest and rocky mountain paths in African heat are not the natural habitat of the more mature. 

It was during this trip that the Congolese habit of hand-holding was sprung on us. It is not unusual for males to hold each other’s hands while strolling (or trekking up rocky paths, in our case) but we weren’t aware of that and were a bit surprised as hands snaked down our arms. Bruno was especially keen to hang onto Mocki, presumably for fear he might fall, which gave Richard, Tim and me much cause for laughter as we shoved our hands into our pockets and left Mocki to be aided on his way.

The lake-front garden at Hotel Saint Jean, Bukavu

The lake-front garden at Hotel Saint Jean, Bukavu

While the other three piled into one taxi with Conny, I was nabbed and bundled into another with little explanation. Assuming we were returning to Alfajiri, I was confused when we turned down a different route and pulled up outside what seemed to be a half-built condominium. I feared there would be more gorilla-themed art for sale inside and asked “Where are the others? I thought we were going to Alfajiri?” I was told we were going for a drink. I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from saying “Here?!” as I surveyed the scaffolding and plastic.

We walked down steps at the side of the building and I was amazed to discover that the bottom half of the hotel, for that is what it was, was complete and a wedding reception was in full swing, while outside it was an extraordinary lake-front terrace and garden. This was the Hotel Saint Jean, on the very shore of Lake Kivu. Gazing across the Lake we could see the far shore and Rwanda. At times of war, one can see puffs of smoke rising from those shores, so we were told. As we sat at the mercy of the midges – who were, as usual, especially keen on my particular brand of hair – a team of fishing boats pushed off from the pier beside the hotel in some sort of triple boat combination and set out in search of the evening meal for the wedding guests.

Fishing boats set out onto Lake Kivu as evening draws in.

Fishing boats set out onto Lake Kivu as evening draws in.

Then again, the evening meal appeared to be walking its way into the reception. An inquisitive goat trailing its tether behind it wandered past our table and into the hotel – presumably to offer its services as a nanny to the future children of the marriage. I apologise for that bad joke but we later saw that goat, or its twin, lying in two pieces on a chopping block outside the kitchen as we left, so a bit of humour is the only way to take ones mind off that sight. The drinks we had were pleasant – more Coke for me, as the sugar levels were sapping – and we attracted the attention of a young boy from the wedding party in the grubbiest, most food covered suit imaginable. He offered us biscuits and chips and a stream of “Mzungu!” as we enjoyed the evening air.

We walked back to the street to look for taxis. Richard and Bruno strolled ahead in what seemed a very intense conversation while Tim and I were barracked by some very scowly soldiers with very hurty guns for deciding to walk around a barrier on the left side rather than the right. Men with guns trying to intimidate the mzungus was the general consensus but we did as we were told rather than risk ending up with the goat. Eventually back at Alfajiri, a shower was a great relief and we sat down to dinner of beef with more bananas, beans and, sweet Jesus, more fou-fou. This became a ball to be thrown about after Mocki went to bed and, despite being smashed off the wall, it retained its shape and took some paint flakes with it. We went to bed, now sharing our corridor with a group of Belgian former students, one of whom was the spit of Bob Hope who gurningly informed us “I was here fworty fwour years ago-ho-ho”. Another of their group was snoring like a bull elephant as we retired, only matched in volume by the terrifying cat lurking somewhere outside my window and screeching with rage.

Sunset over Lake Kivu as we left the Hotel Saint Jean.

Sunset over Lake Kivu as we left the Hotel Saint Jean.

 

Me-Tube Famous! October 7, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Comedy, Life, Travel.
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So, I have reached London after my trip to Paris, and have had the pleasure of making a video with a PROPER Youtube star, Gary Caplehorne of CheekTV and his purple puppet (not a euphemism), Cheeky - www.youtube.com/cheektv . Gary and Cheeky have also just been nominated for a Youtube Award by www.youtube.com/daveyboyz so do vote for them! And enjoy the video, I certainly enjoyed making it.

Sea The Stars: The Greatest October 5, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Other Sports.
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Mick Kinane and Sea The Stars are welcomed into the winner's enclosure.

Mick Kinane and Sea The Stars are welcomed into the winner's enclosure.

What a day. What a horse.

Sometimes there aren’t enough words to explain the impossible. Sometimes there aren’t enough rounds of applause, enough cheers, enough smiles to express the brilliant. Sometimes there isn’t a way of comparing sporting achievements fairly and accurately.

Well, to hell with it. Who needs comparisons when you have witnessed the incomparable?

The multiple variations on the word “stars” and its accompanying clichés and adages have been practically exhausted by every sports page, every tabloid headline writer, every racing commentator, over the last six months. Six months which changed the history of horse-racing; six months which saw flat racing transformed from the sober, aging brother of the two strands of the sport into a brimming cauldron of passion, desire, belief; six months which forged a legend.

It was my unique pleasure today to be present at Longchamp race-track on the edge of Paris, where I witnessed Sea The Stars seal the the crowning moment in a career of crowning moments. His victory in the Prix de l’Arc de Triomphe was what almost every Irish and British supporter of horseracing wanted to see, what many of those French racegoers at the track today NEEDED to see.

Sea The Stars does need to be seen to be believed. The parade ring at Longchamp is quite small as it is, but it was packed with owners and onlookers, while the amphitheatre around it was seething with craning bodies. Everyone, even his rivals, wanted to see Sea The Stars, to take a photo, to see this Irish wonder-horse who has laid waste to a landscape of Group Ones. The pointing, the whispering: “That’s him. – He’s the greatest horse ever. – And there’s Mick Kinane. – 50, you know. – 50?! – What a fine animal”.

When he crossed the line after the most nerve-wracking of contests, my heart almost burst out of my chest and my brother, father and I dissolved into a teary celebratory clamber of a hug. The French couple beside me went from bemused to understanding, reaching over to shake my hand and congratulate us: This was history being written with a full stop. This was something we will never see again.

For anyone who doesn’t know, let me try explain what this horse has achieved. Described by his trainer as “a machine”, he is unbeaten in 7 starts dating back into last year. He began the year by winning the 2000 Guineas at Newmarket. He has won the Epsom Derby, a career in itself for many horses – that double hadn’t been accomplished since Nashwan two decades ago. He has defeated many horses who are recognised as world-class, who would, in any other year, be lauded as heroes themselves in sealing the Eclipse, the Juddmonte and the Champion Stakes. He has won a Group One race in EVERY month this year since May. Today’s win made it 6 Group Ones in 6 months.

Many horses win Group Ones. A few have won a comparable amount to Sea The Stars. Rock Of Gibraltar won 7, in fact, over the course of two seasons. But no horse has ever won the Guineas-Derby-Arc trio. No horse has won so many great races over so many distances (from a mile to a mile and a half – Rock Of Gibraltar was a pure miler). And no horse has EVER, nor will they again, win SIX IN SIX STARTS IN SIX MONTHS. That is like winning all four of tennis or golf’s majors and two more. That is winning 6 FA Cup Finals. That is 6 Olympic Gold medals. That is 6 All-Ireland championships. 6 Oscars. 6 Nobel Prizes. 6 terms in the White House. Sea The Stars has ripped common sense and wisdom to shreds. If there is to be an end to history, a moment after which such moments may never be again, that was today for flat-racing.

That’s not all though. For my family, it is particularly emotional to see the success and the deserved praise for John Oxx, the trainer of Sea The Stars. John is as quiet and unassuming a man as you could ever meet. He is regularly described as professorial by proud adjective-wielders in The Racing Post. He will come home from a successful days racing and will be dozing on the sofa with a half-finished glass of wine beside him while his many friends will be reliving the day’s events around him.

Irish fans travelled in large numbers to witness the moment a legend was sealed.

Irish fans travelled in large numbers to witness the moment a legend was sealed.

Irish and indeed, European racing as a whole, has been dominated in recent years by the powerhouse that is Ballydoyle and Aiden O’Brien. It was in danger of stagnating if no one came to challenge that dominance – like the Tiger effect on the US PGA tour. Then, two years ago, John Oxx was trusted by a young man named Christopher Tsui to train this horse, a gift from his mother. John honed the animal and placed it in the capable hands of Mick Kinane, at 50 years of age, a veteran jockey with a magical ability and understanding of horses.

Bingo. With that, racing had its own holy trinity, a tripartite alliance which has had everything thrown at it by Ballydoyle, by Godolphin, by anyone who is anyone. But it has survived, and indeed, rebutted every challenge. John, his wife Caitríona and children, Aoife, Deirdre and Kevin, have been wonderful friends to us. Tsui’s advisor in all these matters, John Clarke, is my brother’s godfather and his son, Jonathan is Killian’s best friend. The three families, Oxx, Clarke and McStay, with their three Johns, have been inseparable since I’ve been on this earth. Today was a small celebration of that, as much as a massive celebration of the magical Sea The Stars.

He didn’t have it easy today. He took a couple of furlongs to settle and Mick Kinane had to drop him back into the field. As they made the long bend at the far end of the track, it seemed that the wheels were falling off the wagon. Ballydoyle’s pacemakers were streaking ahead, while Sea The Stars was boxed in amongst the pack. Into the straight. Still no gap. Please. Please. It has to come.

It came. Barely. A chink of an escape came on the inside of the field along the running rail, one which might close as quickly as it had opened. But that split second was all it took. Kinane and his mount saw the light and charged straight at it. Within a couple hundred yards, he had seized the lead and, with another furlong and a half to go, it was happening. The field pushed on, but Sea The Stars held them at arm’s length and took the winning post to cheers and rapture unlike any other.

The same French punters who had mocked and whistled at Kinane and Sea The Stars as he left the parade ring – they had their hopes pinned on Christophe Soumillon and his wonder-filly Stacelita – rose and acclaimed the confirmed hero as he returned. The tricolour flapping in the wind about the jockey was green, white and gold, not red, white and blue. The McStays marched straight into the ring past security with the air of winners – feeling like winners too – to share the moment. To be in the midst of a reception like that was special. The tears were as copious as the cheers.

All the while, Sea The Stars breather deeply, drank from his bucket and looked about with those knowing eyes as if to say “What? I told you so. You didn’t think I’d lose, did you?” He is Ali. He is Federer. He is Woods. He is Bolt. He is the greatest ever. Ask anyone. If they weren’t sure before today, they will be now. Best ever? Well, there’s no way of comparing…but who needs comparisons.

Sea The Stars: Nothing compares to you.

The Oxx team and friends pose for the clamouring photographers with the champion.
The Oxx team and friends pose for the clamouring photographers with the champion.

PS: I make no apologies for the shaky photos – it was a day for shaky hands! And, as a footnote, John and Mick teamed up to win the Prix Cadran – beating another great champion, Yeats - with Alandi later this evening to cap a wonderful day in the Parisien sun.

PPS: All Sea The Stars’ Group One wins are on Youtube – the Arc is below.

Meat Sung! September 26, 2009

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Homemade meat sung!
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Dazed In The Life – Part 4: Loitering and Monsters September 20, 2009

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New Youtube video, please view, rate, subscribe and share. Hope you’ll enjoy! Blog WILL be updated, I promise – things keep getting in the way, but the Africa story will be completed.

A Betrayal Of Penguins August 26, 2009

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While in Edinburgh for the Fringe Festival over the weekend, I had the joy of seeing two good friends of mine, John Gallagher and Matthew Smyth, performing their comedy show, “A Betrayal Of Penguins” at The Sweet Heart. Having performed with the guys in “Improv, She Wrote”, the Trinity College Dublin improv troupe which we established this year, I have some experience first-hand of how downright funny they are. They invariably double-team beautifully in improv games together and it was only natural that they would bring those same talents along with their obvious chemistry to the Fringe. The show is very funny, mixing their own individual stand-up routines with sketches, improvisation and scripted double-acting. If you want other people’s opinions, try The List and Three Weeks, two respected Festival guides who each bestowed 4-star reviews on the guys. While there, I also took the liberty of filming some of the promo work on the Royal Mile and the show itself on Sunday 23rd of August. This Youtube video is the result. Enjoy, and look out for “A Betrayal Of Penguins” in the future – they’re certainly not endangered.