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Days You Never Forget June 12, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in College, Life, Vlog.
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This videa of a compilation of clips from a barbeque hosted by my friend Brian’s father, Ray Martin (hence Ray-B-Que) – something of an annual event for my group of college mates. Yesterday we gathered to celebrate 4 years worth of friendship as many of us are now finished college and venturing into the adult world of employment – or unemployment, as the case may be for many of us Arts graduates. Days like yesterday become fewer and farther between as years pass and life gets busier and more unstoppable. It was a huge joy to stop for a few hours and spend time laughing and dancing and sharing life’s joys with some of my favourite people. Thank you to them and everyone else who has made my 4 years in college unforgettable. Hope the video makes some of you smile.

New Vlog Post: The Teenager June 4, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Arts, College, Ireland, Latest News, Vlog.
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Posted a new video blog on my Youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/bazmcstay - which includes this poem below. You’ll notice the better quality. Visual and audio, not poetic quality. Thankfully, with my 24th birthday having recently passed on May 25th, I was able to invest in a brand spanking new Sony Handicam. My natural technophobia saw me hovering at the window of the shop for a good ten minutes before I plucked up the courage to take the plunge and buy it. It’s a great purchase however – from my point of view anyway, though you may protest at having further vloggery inflicted upon you. Shout out to Stephen Byrne (http://www.youtube.com/user/3sixty5days), who got me into this vlog business, and a major cyber-hug for him and his fellow-Leaving Cert victims who all had their English Paper 2 postponed from Thursday until Saturday, thanks to someone in a school in Drogheda handing out that instead of Paper 1 this morning. Maybe Bob Quick has found a new job - he’s that police chief from Britain who was snapped on camera carrying those confidential files into Number 10. Try having a go at being a dustman, Bob, you’ll find no one is interested in what you’re carrying around in that job!

Anyway, final exam approacheth on Friday. Wish me luck and hope you like the poem.

The Teenager

Surviving on one triangular meal a day

and the stress-free strains of candy-floss music,

the angry teenager is all lazy eyes,

a floating head trailing his neck behind him.

He’s nothing but wrong angles and skinny bones

and proceeding hairlines betray growing cracks

and it always pains him to say anything

but especially anything loud and clear.

Fuck knows, he’ll swear at anything but to nothing

and let you no farther than pockmarked-skin-deep.

He hides in a hoodie in a corner,

looks for a bolt-hole in his Nokia

and duck-dives beneath the waves of the iPod

but each eye that grazes him draws young blood,

sketching out in bright red lines like tube maps

the veins and arteries of a beating life.

He wears a faceful of macho make-up

but pens pretty poetry in the dark

in between wet dreams and dry, droughty spells.

He keeps the water-taps shut tight in public

but draws from the well and spills many a bucket

when the drop of a ball is the end of the world.

He can’t get away from huggy mummy and daddy

and he hates them for it, but when he cuts loose

he drops crumbs of homemade scones as he goes,

sprays his eyes over the forest floor for raisons.

He’ll do plenty of ageing during those teens –

like the name suggests, he’s always on the move –

and the pressure is there right from the word grow:

the world pushes in on his skull like a finger

pressing into marshmallow, puffs back out,

full of sugary notions and impressions.

He never fails to bounce back, rubber ball,

spring-loaded, always ill but best equipped,

never hitting bottom but always falling.

Where am I…? May 21, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in College, Rugby.
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Just to inform any visitors to my wee blog, I’m out of the loop for the moment as I’m in the middle of my final exams in college. First two are done with and have gone ok. My next is on Saturday – finishing at 12:30pm, with me booked on a flight at 12:45 to Edinburgh in the vain hope of beating traffic and a big enough delay to get me to see Leinster in the Heineken Cup Final. Wish me luck in the exam, but more importantly, that I might be there to see the match! I’ll be back and blogging soon. In the meantime, thanks for visiting and enjoy your stay!

The Singed Wings Of ‘Icarus’ April 24, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Arts, College, Poetry.
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Last year I had the privilege of being published in Icarus, Trinity College Dublin’s literary magazine, one which has a special affinity for poetry. Such luminaries as Derek Mahon and Michael Longley cut their stanzaic teeth in Icarus and it remains an honour to be printed on its pages. I was a little taken aback today when I received an email from the current editor of the magazine. I had submitted a piece and it has been shortlisted to appear in the next edition but I was informed that this was “reliant on funding”. Time and again, people in the arts are left standing with a begging bowl at the first sign of economic unrest. Be it the Abbey Theatre or a small student publication, each and every artistic outlet suffers from the constant affliction known as “not having enough money“.

Icarus goes to print only twice a year. It averages less than 50 pages. It is not printed on the highest quality paper but is an elegant publication and one with a fine history. To think that it may be a victim of the Recession is as unthinkable as the National Gallery closing its doors. Hyperbole? I don’t think so. It is the death of the small publications such as Icarus which are indicative both of the lack of attention to the art of poetry, especially, and a “who cares” approach to the artistic world. I’m a big fan of sport. I’m a big fan of television and the film industry. Yet while these get large government subsidies (which, granted, are also being cut in these times, but then again, everything is), poetry, one of Ireland’s premier exports, one of our greatest national assets is allowed to waste away. It gives a lie to our great literary history, our parading of Kavanagh and MacNeice, Heaney and Mahon, Longley and Muldoon and the rest as great Irish artists, great success stories, personified national pats-on-the-back, when we allow such little defeats to pass unnoticed.

Hopefully, Icarus will survive, despite its doomed moniker. Hopefully the arts will not be allowed to decay and die as sadly can happen in times such as these. Ireland is taking the sporting world by storm, notably in rugby and golf and sport will continue to be funded because of this. Yet some of the biggest names in the UK and Hollywood are Irish actors and Irish playwrights are among the elite – McPherson, McDonagh, McGuinness. But these successes abroad must not be taken to indicate great wisdom and care in the treatment of the arts at home, because the arts continue to be the soft target most easily wounded by cutbacks. And poetry is perhaps the biggest sufferer of all. Once the greatest of art forms, it is now overlooked and to our national discredit.

Anyway, here is the poem which was published in Icarus last year. I must thank Brendan Gildea, then the editor of the magazine, for taking the figary to allow my piece to pass into the great history of Icarus. It wasn’t a poem I had pinned my hopes on but he saw an ugly duckling beauty in it worth honouring. Hopefully, funding-permitting, I might have a second such honour in the near future. 

Dodder Waters

 

The Dodder runs under Ball’s Bridge near my flat,

Widening, clambering over rocky shallows,

Shouting nonsense, falling into step towards Lansdowne.

Always seems a merry little river, flighty, sprightly,

Nothing doddery about it if you watch it go its way.

 

Last night – this morning, to be honest – I walk,

Still-warm, moon-bright, me-smiling secret walk,

I pause on the bridge to look into the river.

 

Cars pass with crumbling explosion;

I tune them out. Let current flow through my ears,

Carry me down, lovely, dark, stony, watery places.

 

With my view from the bridge, I see –

Rocks poke through, make out patterns:

Here street-lamp-lit patch, surface-deep, blaring up,

Splash of white-light, glinting prettily for anyone;

There, darker pool, somewhat deeper, somehow, now, visible.

Somehow, now, I see river-bed, pebbles, weeds

And rubbish. I wish for coins I can drop, splash, down,

Into lovely, dark, stony, watery, somewhat deeper places

Which seem much murkier but tell a clearer story.

Looking Inside Oneself March 9, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Arts, College, Human Nature, Ireland, Latest News, Life.
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Audrey II looming over Mum, Dad and me on the set of "Little Shop Of Horrors".

Audrey II looming over Mum, Dad and me on the set of "Little Shop Of Horrors".

I’ve been quite conspicuous by my absence from this blog for a wee while. One of the main reasons was that I was directing “Little Shop Of Horrors” in DU Players which ran from February 17th to 21st. I had an absolute blast and it was a joy watching everything coming together and to life before my – very heavy and sleep-deprived – eyes. I had a wonderful co-director in the immensely talented Jayne Stynes and it was great to have someone to bounce ideas off and turn to for much-needed hugs and confectionary when things got a bit much! The crew were tireless, especially over the weekend before the show, in their efforts to create a bleak Skid Row and the little shop itself. The band, perched precariously on a scaffold 7 feet above the stage, were so talented and led by my good friend and fellow juice-drinker Danny Forde. The cast members themselves made me – and everyone else – laugh uncontrollably with their comic timing but they also were, to a man, brilliant in their singing and dancing too, deserving the full houses and standing ovations which came their way. Shout out to Aaron, Seán and Ruairí too for making that Mean Green Mother, Audrey II, rock out and chow down. So, if I’ve been away, it was for a good reason!

“Bodies, The Exhibition” – or “BODIES…The Exhibition”, as I believe the garbled syntax of the display runs - has been in Dublin’s Ambassador Theatre lately. A strange venue for a science exhibition, was my initial thought. Then I discovered the exact nature of the show. What on the posters about Dublin looked like very good clay likenesses of the stripped human form turned out to be actual preserved human remains. I was more than a little disturbed by this discovery, and the fact that they were being displayed in poses such as performing a bicycle kick or conducting an orchestra made it all-the-more macabre. The controversy surrounding this exhibition must surely be in some way behind the choice of venue – a smaller Dublin theatre and music venue rather than one of the museums.

I decided to do some more exploration and visited the BODIES website. I found a rather disturbing note in their FAQs. The FAQ reads: “Q: Where do the full body specimens come from? A: The full body specimens are persons who lived in China and died of natural causes. After the bodies were unclaimed at death, pursuant to Chinese law, they were ultimately delivered to a medical school for education and research. Where known, information about the identities, medical histories and causes of death is kept strictly confidential”. (http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/bodies.html)

One has to ask about the morality in all this. These are unidentified bodies of people who may not have granted permission for their use in such an extraordinary way after death, let alone donated their bodies to science. Their relatives also have no idea that their loved ones are travelling the world in an sensationalised educational freak-show. How can one feel comfortable about the presentation of a corpse in a sporting pose when in fact they may never have played sport (Chinese residents are unlikely to have played American football), or as conducting an orchestra when they may have been fans of rap rather than classical? You may think that’s a flippant point, but it is really creating a fiction, a different life for strangers. It invades their previous existence and plonks them into a fishbowl with new props and surroundings, destroying their life-stories to tell a new, gaudy one. The claim that the bodies are “tastefully displayed” is sickening and hollow.

Furthermore, and more chillingly, there is a black market in the trade of corpses of executed, tortured or starved prisoners based in that country, with bodies fetching about $300 apiece. China’s human rights abuses are a matter of concern for the whole of humanity, yet we are blissfully unaware and uninformed about the provenance of these human statues. The practice of organ harvesting from the Falun Gong is another well-publicised, but much overlooked, offence and there are plenty of organs to be gazed at in this gruesome display. (For info and reports about this, visit http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/BodiesExhibits/ or Google: black market body trade China)

Whatever happened to these people before they died, there is something of Burke and Hare feel to all of this, harking back to the days of body-snatching and grave-robbing. Where is the respect in this? People who donate their bodies to science indicate this wish before they die, but I’m sure many of them would be horrified to think their stripped forms might be paraded about the capital cities of the world like this. What is more, the bodies in the Ambassador never even had the chance to indicate such a wish. They may not rest in a peaceful grave, being hauled about the planet as money-making exhibits.

It so happened that in college one of my courses was studying Séamus Heaney at the time, and his poems about the Stone Age bodies at Aarhus (such as “The Tollund Man”), which seemed more than appropriate. Heaney’s poems have a primitive feel to them, unashamed in their pagan and gruesome effect. But it made me think. There is a difference between the display of those Bodies in the Bog in a museum and the BODIES exhibition. The Aarhus displays are laid peacefully. Their histories are told, as much as is known of them. And there was scant chance of a family relative being about to consult about the wishes of the deceased regarding their destination after death.

There is a respect which is sorely missing in the BODIES display. To recreate the inside of the human body has been done in polymer before. This venture simply wishes to cash in on the sensationalism of using REAL human bodies, nothing more. If it claims to be merely educational, it should dispense with this immoral and disgusting selling point. The opening blurb on the website talks of the “amazing and complex machine” which is the human body. Machine eh? Something mechanical? To be taken apart, piece by piece, and ogled in doe-eyed wonder like the inside of a clock? The “machine” behind the display, Premier Exhibitions, calls on the consumer to “Peer Inside Yourself”. Perhaps they should peer inside themselves, think about exactly what they are doing, about where there money is coming from and about what a massive responsibility it is to take possession of a human body.

Milestones January 29, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in College, Human Nature, Life, Personal Favourites.
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Snow outside my house in Milltown.

Snow outside my house in Milltown.

I’ll be finishing college very shortly – this June, to be exact. I will have turned 24 by then too. Some people say “God, how great to be young and entering the “real” adult world beyond college”. And I say “Hmm, not so much great as a little bit frightening and sobering”. There is that balance between the freedom to do anything you want and the rudderless sense of drifting without a focus. Sometimes you feel life could do with less structure, and then you find yourself totally responsible. You think you’ll always be in college and suddenly you’re finished, your friends have moved away or are working and you can’t see them everyday. The things you took for granted are no longer a given. The ingrained sense of regularity is replaced by an overpowering realisation that you need to start leading your life, not following it.
Furthermore, as the end of college looms, you find yourself reminiscing and resolving: Reminiscing about times you had almost forgotten, resolving to make a bigger effort to see friends and family or to do something new and exciting. Memories are keepsakes to be stored away for this sort of moment in your life, when they are needed to remind you of where you came from and what may lie ahead.
As you accumulate more and more memories, you also realise that perhaps you should treasure those you are creating right now. Last night I got a text from my mum saying she was in my house dropping some furniture up. I called her asking her to stay, telling her I’d be home in thirty minutes. We spent an hour, walking about the house as she outlined the plans she had for it – as I noticed she had made my bed and washed the dishcloths. We sat by the fire, cups of tea in hand, and I felt very happy to be spending this thin slice of my life with my mum, who did much of the talking, filling me in on the last few weeks in her world, leaving me to wonder at the power of family.
If you think I’m being soppy, well, who cares? We all get old. We all die. Sometimes it is important to be reminded of that – not to make us worry about the future, but to make sure we drink plentifully from the overflowing cup of the present, not to make us cry, but to make sure that we smile.
What I’ve just said in the last four paragraphs, allow me to sum up in a five line poem. Have a happy life, wherever you are.

Mortal

Simple ice-cream cone
Warm dappled breezes
Sunlight milked from heaven
I am reminded that I am dying
But so pleasantly

Sunrise, Surfers Paradise, New South Wales, Australia. One of the perfect moments in my life.

Sunrise, Surfers Paradise, New South Wales, Australia. One of the perfect moments in my life.

A Long Time Coming January 21, 2009

Posted by bazmcstay in Arts, College, Football, Ireland, Latest News, Personal Favourites, Politics.
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-This Blog Post.
-The Inauguration of an African-American as President of the United States.
-The mid-season slump for Liverpool in the race for the Premiership.

Three events of varying importance, all a long time coming. I’ve been temporarily cut off from the rest of civilisation due to the untimely demise of my Dell’s battery, hence the delay in the latest post. I’m sure you were all desperately waiting for it. In between the death of the battery and now, I’ve been rehearsing for “Little Shop Of Horrors”, which I’m co-directing and which will be taking to the stage in the Players Theatre, Trinity College Dublin, from 17th to 21st February. Do come. And if you can’t, send money. Or flowers. Or both.

 
Wouter Mulders, John Gallagher, Barry McStay, Ciaran Clarke, Sarah Duffy, Matt Smyth, Becca Savoy, Marc Atkinson, Eoghan Quinn, Bri Fitzpatrick and Emer Kelly.

 

Improv, She Wrote performed at the New Players Theatre, Monday 19th January 2009. The troupe comprises (clockwise from top left): Wouter Mulders, John Gallagher, Barry McStay, Ciaran Clarke, Sarah Duffy, Matt Smyth, Becca Savoy, Marc Atkinson, Eoghan Quinn, Bri Fitzpatrick and Emer Kelly.

On top of that, I’ve also been onstage myself as part of Trinity College’s brand new improv comedy troupe, half-wittily named “Improv, She Wrote”. Comprising eleven members, we had our first live show ever in front of a packed house in the Players Theatre last night and, if the audience reaction was anything to go by, things went rather ok. Improv comedy is a really great form of entertainment, cheap to produce, fun, and great to watch when done well. It is a massive part of college life in America and, to a lesser extent, Britain, but has very few devotees in Ireland. But anyone has watched “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” or seen the Comedy Store Players in action will know how great good improv can be. We can only strive to be better. Thanks to those who came last night and do come again – after all, every show is different!

Liverpool, I’m afraid to say, have hit an icy patch this winter – as per usual. 6 draws in 9 games, if my count is correct. This habit we had of drawing games we should have won was one I thought we had kicked this year but sadly the addiction to mediocrity seems to be resurfacing. The goals need to start flowing at Anfield – the 5-1 rout of Newcastle seems to have been a flash in a very cold pan.

Finally, the tears were brimming again today. The sense of occasion was very obvious, even in a simple sitting room in campus rooms in Trinity College. I watched the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama as America’s 44th President with a group of my friends. We clapped loudly when he was sworn in, felt for him as he stumbled nervously, and the silence was deafening as we hung on every word of his inaugural address.
I was aware of how unique a situation this really was. There are few moments in our lives when we experience a true moment of hope, an uplifting feeling of the world being, for a moment, good again, and say to ourselves “In the future, I will remember this moment. I will point to this instant and say, I was there, I saw this”. Some are personal, others very public affairs. One of these moments came when I watched the new pope, Benedict XVI, presented to the world – this was my faith remaking itself, renewing a sacred covenant.
Another of those moments occurred today. There was utter hope and faith in that room today as we watched the coverage from Washington. Today the world is good and right. Today America is better then it has been, thanks to one man and the millions who believed in his message, a message so simple and positive: Yes We Can. So, along with the country he now leads, let’s heed Obama’s call: Lift ourselves up, brush ourselves down, and begin to remake the world.

Surprise! October 23, 2008

Posted by bazmcstay in College, Ireland.
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I was at a surprise birthday party last night which featured the best series of reactions I think I’ve ever seen. Bri Fitzpatrick’s face was a picture as 100 of her friends were waiting for her in The Sugar Club on Leeson Street, 5 days before the party she had been planning – and which had been dismantled behind her back! – was due to take place. The initial WTF? Face was replaced by a Heart Attack Face when 2 of her closest friends from the USA – who she had thought would not be arriving in Ireland until Friday – jumped up behind her and assaulted her with glitter. Her jaw could not have dropped lower when a special sketch, “A Question of Bri”, was performed by the English comedy trio, The Penny Dreadfuls, and 2 of Bri’s former colleagues in her own sketch group, The Mercer Island Rodeo.

Actually, her jaw defied physiological law in dislocating itself entirely, dropping to the floor and scampering around the room in utter confusion as her parents – the masterminds behind the whole event - and godmother made their entrance in a game of Feel The Friend. After being blindfolded and incorrectly identifying her own family, the last surprise of the night was revealed to the by-now hopelessly delirious girl. She wasn’t too delirious to sing a couple of her favourite songs, “Part of this World” from ‘The Little Mermaid’, and “Push The Button” by The Sugababes. I think she has emergency energy reserves in the event of such a situation arising.

The best part of a surprise party – if the surprise is kept a surprise! – is seeing the look on the birthday girl’s face: An emotional cocktail of joy, disorientation, embarassment, terror, panic and, well, surprise. Shocking a dear friend into the state of shaking wreck isn’t too advisable too often, but last night was one of the moments when it worked perfectly. Happy Birthday Bri-Bri, and well done everyone for keeping it a secret!

Vanity Fare October 11, 2008

Posted by bazmcstay in College, Ireland.
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I was thinking about women’s clothing yesterday. No reason in particular. Just happened to come up in conversation. After my morning seminar on the poetry of Anne Bradstreet (17th Century American Puritan, lots of “Oh, the pain, oh the suffering, but I’m a Puritan so that’s my thing”), I was struggling valiantly to contain my various bits and bobs – keys, phone, wallet, tissues – in my trouser pockets. Things can get a bit “full” in that area, so to speak. As I was complaining about the predicament to Jane Madden – short on stature, big on laughter, the shot glass to her boyfriend, Moosh’s, pint – she remarked that I had a schoolbag on my back and that I should store my things in there. Now now, I said, that’s a female solution to a male problem. Women have handbags, men have pockets, those are our storage spaces.

I was on the verge of unleashing a nuclear missile of a question – what the hell do women need handbags for anyway, how much blusher can one lady need? – but Jane issued her deterrent before I could launch my assault. She pointed out that lady-trousers have much smaller, tighter pockets than man-trousers. She demonstrated by attempting to slide her tiny fingers into her tiny pockets. The tininess of the pockets was far greater than that of the fingers, which could barely squeeze over the threshold of said-pockets before instantly turning blue with the pressure.

Then it hit me. The useless pockets made a handbag necessary for any lady who needs to carry a purse and some keys - not to mention make-up, tampons, sandwich, lightbulbs, blender, 19-inch TV, three lesser-known Rembrandts, 2007 Renault Clio and Fulham Football Club. The handbag becomes indispensible and, as a result, an entire industry is built up around the desirability and chicness of handbags as fashionable accessories. Where a plastic bag would do, a €1000 leather-skin envelope is proposed as the more practical and funky alternative. 

It’s all a conspiracy of course: The tiny-pocket makers are able to accumulate a fortune in handbag sales. Maybe they get a commission from the handbag makers - the tinier the pockets, the bigger the cut. Handbags are just one example of everyday objects which are priced at luxury item prices. So ladies, a couple of adjustments to your pockets and you may never need to buy a handbag again. 

This links rather neatly with an incident from the night before. I was in Radio City on Store Street at a gig – likeKings is the band, check them out on Myspace – and I went to the bar to order a pint of tap-water (I’m a non-drinker). The Eastern European barman shook his head and, over the music, I thought I heard him say “We don’t serve tap-water”. Perhaps a hint of xenophobia in me led me to suspect that he hadn’t understood the question. I repeated my request for tap-water, pointing vigorously at the sink behind the bar. Again, and more clearly, he said “We don’t serve tap-water” and did some pointing of his own, at the line of Ballygowan bottles on the lowest shelf of the fridge.

My puzzled face was the picture which painted a thousand words apparently, as he called over the bar manager. For the third time I asked for tap-water. With a smile which betrayed a mixture of pity and scorn, he told me that they did not serve tap-water, that the water wasn’t drinkable. I pointed out to him that the last time I had been in Radio City, about four months ago, I had been served tap-water. His reply was “That was four months ago, it’s not drinkable now”.

I sensed he was chancing his arm slightly and asked where their ice came from. With the surly look of a child caught out on a lie, he mumbled “An ice-machine”. Pressing home my point, I then asked the defunct question of what the ice-machine was connected to. The manager then threw all his toys on the floor and stamped away, saying that the water wasn’t drinkable and that he didn’t want to play anymore. I resisted the temptation to order a glass of ice. Instead, I walked away thinking that it was a sad state of affairs that, in the time of recession, when a 330ml bottle of coke in a bar costs €3 (a ridiculous price considering you can get a 500ml bottle in Spar for €1.40), that a good Dublin venue like Radio City had decided to force the non-drinker to pay for their abstemiousness, even for such a basic service as water. Tap-water is free and available in every other bar and restaurant I have ever visited in Dublin. Like tiny pockets, “dirty” tap-water (not to mention, grossly overpriced mixers) may just be another, slightly more serious, example of the inherent greed and opportunism which face the Irish consumer.

Cooking For One October 8, 2008

Posted by bazmcstay in College, Ireland.
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One of the joys of my new college timetable is the fact that my six weekly classes are spread pretty evenly, one per day except Wednesday. What is more, most of these classes are reasonably early (10 or 11) or late (3 or 4). This provides me with the added bonus of being able to stay at my flat until after lunchtime or wander home around midday. Thus, I am discovering the joys of cooking for myself, both lunch and dinner. Sad loser or new man? You decide.

Being in college in Dublin, it is very easy to slide into the lazy – and expensive - option of buying microwave meals or eating out or ordering takeaways. Last Christmas, after spending a couple of days staying with Killian and me in our flat in Dublin, my older brother Mark bought me an Indian cookbook. It was, in his words, because “all I eat is pizza”. In fact, those boxes from 4-Star were all Killian’s, I swear!

Anyway, since that point, I’ve actually developed something of a cookery fetish. That’s right, fried chicken with paprika, sautéed potatoes and grilled pepper turn me on. I could make love to a minute steak with a dash of soya sauce. My bolognese sauce keeps me transfixed for hours. A stir-fry really stirs me up. And so on. I even have a herb cupboard. Yes, I know. Jamie Oliver can’t touch this.

It’s a wonderfully satisfying feeling when you sit down to a meal which you have prepared yourself. And it’s cheap: I bought my food for the week at a cost of €22.78 on Monday in Tesco. This included diced chicken fillet, mince, steak and pasta. Bear Grylls could take some survival tips from me. I bet he can’t flambé either. Killian arrived in the other night and was shocked when I offered him some homemade onion rings. Easy to make, easy to eat, a bitch to clean up after. That’s the one downside to this whole cooking lark: I need a small battalion of servants to tidy up after me because, like all great culinarians, I am not the cleanest in the kitchen. Any applicants, please email me your details and indicate your willingness to wear a French maid’s outfit. In the meantime, bon appétit.