There is nothing quite so mournful as the sight I witnessed today: Two middle-aged women on an otherwise empty merry-go-round at a rained-out Christmas market.
In other news, I finished my Christmas shopping, FINALLY. I got a lot done earlier this month thanks in the large part to the fact that I have three family birthdays in the space of six days around the turn of November into December. As a result, while shopping for those presents, I picked up several of the necessary Yuletide offerings. However, they weren’t enough.
I was foolhardy enough to think “That will do”, only to get closer to the 25th and realise that, if I were the people getting these gifts, I’d expect slightly more of my son / brother / wombat-groomer. And so today was spent traipsing about the city in search of the killer gift. It’s a soul-destroying experience at times.
Shopping centres are so much more structured, everything is laid out for you and you don’t have to walk out into the rain after every failed shop exploration. But in a city, you are left roaming the streets like some sort of scavenging wolf, snarling at every window before remembering that Mum already has a collander and is unlikely to expect nor appreciate one as a gift this Christmas or, indeed, ever.
Nevertheless, I conquered this. I conquered the man who bumped into me without apologising. I conquered the inevitable haggle over the price of a tie. I conquered the malfunctioning / empty debit card. I conquered my own personal fear of shopping for ANY female, family member or otherwise. And I wasted some of my own money on stuff I didn’t need but decided to treat myself to. What in the name of all that is frivolous do I need with a suede harpsichord?
I saw a car wedged sideways in a ditch today. Not just a normal car, but one which was probably 40 years old and had been in that ditch for the majority of its life. Aside from that, it wasn’t just leaning into the ditch, or crashed headlight-first into it, oh no. This car was aligned with its doors against the ditch walls, as if it had been driven along the length of the ditch to this point.
Several thoughts came to mind. Firstly, how did the person who got the car into that ditch then get out? There was no sunroof and no evidence of Mrs. Tiger Woods helping them with her trusty 6-iron. Secondly, and perhaps more obviously, WHY!? Why had someone put what was a perfectly intact car in that position and left it there for the last few decades? Why had no one bothered to remove and restore it?
In a thousand years time, are archaeologists going to be digging for artefacts of this human age and come across a battered Toyota perfectly placed in this ditch? Will they then wonder, as I did, how it had been so neatly positioned in this ditch and come to the chilling conclusion that a giant had put it there? Will they then propose the theory that people in the early years of the 3rd millenium were actually 20 feet tall and this trench was in fact a primitive Scalextric track? Will the bizarre actions of the absconding owner of this car change the entire course of historiography?
Probably not.
The Romans left Pompeii, the Irish will leave clapped-out hatchbacks. And a sense of disproportionate self-importance.
I had the absolute privilege of witnessing one of the greatest shows in the history of entertainment a couple of weeks ago. If you didn’t see it on BBC earlier this year, if you weren’t at the o2 for the show, you simply must buy the DVD of Bill Bailey’s “Remarkable Guide To The Orchestra”. And even then, I pity you, for you won’t have the full experience of a work of comedic and musical genius.
I had never been to the newly-renovated Point Depot before the gig on November 21st and what a wonderful night to choose to make my debut visit. The concept for this show originated with Bailey and Oscar-winning composer Anne Dudley. They decided that it was time for the orchestra to lose its mystique. Audiences who may never have attended an orchestral concert before would witness this conglomeration of instruments having its inner parts ripped out and laid on the garage floor to be examined wittily and intelligently.
The result of all this was an extremely funny show, a display of musical dexterity seldom seen in a mainstream show and a stunning piece of clever comedy. Bailey did exactly what he promised, guiding us through the different instruments, showing us how we know a villain (alto clarinet) from a hero (muted trumpets), why bassoonists love the Beegees, why the harp is both soothing and scary and how a haunted house can be created simply using the rhythm section. Along the way we were treated to such gems as a musical journey through a typical 70s cop show, a spoof Chris de Burgh song and a Cockney-ised William Tell overture.
Bailey is a comedian almost universally admired. His rambling style of delivery belies a fierce intelligence – his regular appearances on QI (of which, more later) display his wide general knowledge and an understanding of philosophy which flavours his stand-up. He isn’t afraid to treat his audience with perhaps far more respect than they deserve. His musical prowess allows him to perform and speak with authority on music, explaining exactly WHY we know that tune, that chord, that sound. This show seeks laughs but also shows due appreciation of the abilities of the orchestra (on this night in question, the RTE Concert): The piece demonstrating why the theremin conjures up images of the jellyfish and the rendition of Saint Saen’s “The Swan” on Alpine bells are both funny, but also display musical virtuosity worthy of the thunderous applause accompanying the gales of laughter.
Prior to the Bailey show, I also attended Stewart Lee’s show in Vicar Street. Lee is one of the most brilliant comedians on the circuit, author of “Jerry Springer: The Opera” and someone who, if you don’t get him, will probably appear very unfunny. His delivery is largely low-key, except for the occasional strategic outburst, railing against Top Gear or Bulmers. He repeats words, phrases, motifs. He announces before the show begins what his topics will be and what the final punchline of the show will be. He takes the most circuitous route possible to the end of a fictional story about his schoolboy friendship with Richard “The Hamster” Hammond. He eventually meanders into the audience, clambers onto tables, dispenses with his mic and breaks down the barrier between comedian and crowd.
What Stewart Lee does, in essence, is deconstructs the entire conventions of stand-up and forces the spectator to look at why exactly they are laughing. How can the same phrase repeated several times be so funny? How can a comedian with no jokes make our sides split? How can such un-punchliney delivery leave us exhausted from laughter? One could write a quite academic essay on the post-modernist approach to comedy of Stewart Lee. He is, like Bailey, a clever comedian.
This Tuesday I’m going to the O2 in Dublin to see another comedy legend – Eddie Izzard. Anyone who has seen him perform stand-up in French will know what an audacious, cerebral and downright funny performer he is. How can someone get away with stand-up in a language alien to his audience? What about the eloquence of Dylan Moran’s nihilistic outlook? Can a comedy-going crowd be expected to hang on every one of his deftly-crafted words? Equally, some may wonder at the success of QI – it is essentially a programme which requires comedians to be smart and asks impossible quiz questions.
It is proof, as this blog entry is intended to show, that people LIKE brainy humour. Sometimes comedy is dumbed down to a man being sweary - one needn’t look much farther than Frankie Boyle’s “SHOCK HORROR” style for evidence of this. Other times it is just a bit too silly – Al Murray plays a silly stereotype with little in terms of “freshness”. And even the great storytellers like Billy Connelly and early Tommy Tiernan, or observationalists like Rhod Gilbert and Russell Howard, sometimes seem all a bit alike. But there is no substitute for a comedian giving those who pay good money to attend his or her gig a bit of credit – why should someone who is clever play the fool? Full marks to Bill Bailey for bringing high art to the level of high comedy.
Then again, old people swearing and a child riding his bike into a tree are always funny…
Hmm. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: People google the strangest things. The title for this post is actually one of the search terms which led people to my blog. I’m more perturbed again by those who enter “photos of small children” or “rob kearney naked for charity” but this particular term, hording its many exclamation marks, caught my eye. It made me think. It has been over a year now since I began this blog and just yesterday I passed the 4,000 view mark. Is THAT a shame on mankind – sorry, THE mankind? Have you nothing better to read? There are libraries out there chock-full of great works of literature, bookshops brimming with Booker Prize winners and Nobel Laureates, dammit, even the back of cereal boxes have quite well-worded sentences.
But you come here. And for that I am most grateful.
Anyway, I thought of what I could do to mark the passing of the 4,000 mark, and I decided that, rather than being conscientious and continuing my writings about Africa (WHICH WILL BE COMPLETED, HONEST!), I would cop out and do a list-based entry. One of the first posts I ever wrote was about beautiful moments, and it was a list of 15 or 20 things that make me smile. Naturally, a list of things that make me froth at the mouth and bulge at the temple with rage would be many times longer. So, inspired by the exclamatory shaming of mankind by whoever-you-are (I think we shall call you Leonard, just for fun), I will just list the 100 things for which I think mankind has most to answer (I initially said 50 before realising exactly how many stupid / irritating / shit things mankind has come up with). Thanks Leonard. Of the 4,000 people who’ve visited this blog, you are definitely my favourite. Or at least, you’re the one with the most punctuation.
MANKIND’S SHAMEFUL 100 (In no particular order, although Simon Cowell may well be number 1 in any ACTUAL order).
Simon Cowell
Marmite
Weightlifting
The Sun (newspaper, not celestial body)
Penis Enlargement Spam
People who do your accent back to you because they think you sound funny.
Juicy Couture
Cigarettes
Cigarette burns
Sarah Palin / George W. Bush (Same person, different sex)
Rap Music (I think it’s missing an E)
Legwarmers
Actually, the 80s in general
The Twilight Series (They all look like heroin addicts. Hot heroin addicts.)
LOL-ing
Designer stubble
Sweet Popcorn
Facebook Chat
Scientology
Tom Cruise (Hmm, wonder why HE came into my head…)
Ryanair
Tuna
Bad Drivers (Especially those who don’t indicate before turning or who beep as a substitute for shouting at you!)
Deadlines
The Cult Of Celebrity
Unsolicited Garnishes (Sprigs of cress or, the worst, coleslaw)
Eddie Murphy Films
Cocktails With Names Designed To Make Hen Parties Scream With Laughter (e.g.: Screaming Orgasm)
American Football
2 Girls 1 Cup
Bryan Adams
Saying The Word “Like”, All The Time, Like. (And I was like “No way!”, and she was, like, SO angry.)
Urinals Above Standard Height
Idolising Wordsworth’s Poetry (Don’t like his stuff, hence thinking his name is rather misleading)
Ignoring Poetry (Except Wordsworth’s…)
Big Brother
Girls Who Wear Ugg Boots With Short Skirts And Call It Fashion
The Phrase “I’m Not Racist, But…”
FIFA
Hiding The Electric Car Where No One Can Find It
Postal Strikes
Air Strikes
GPS
People Who Comment On Youtube With Hateful Bile Or Too Many Exclamation Marks (You listening, Leonard?)
Surreptitious Mushrooms In Dishes Where No Mushrooms Are SPECIFICALLY Highlighted On The Menu
World Of Warcraft
The Hash (#) Symbol On Phones (I don’t know anyone who has # in their phone number)
Ant And Dec
ATMs Which Don’t Provide Tenners
The “Serving Suggestion” Notice On The Front Of Food Boxes / TV Ads For Food
Charity Muggers
TV Aerials / Dishes
1st Generation iPods Which Died After About 3 Months
Incongruous Skyscrapers
Feng Shui (As practiced by middle-class Western mothers who saw something about it in a magazine once)
The Birdie Song
Aldi / Lidl
Day-Glo
Sandra Bullock’s Career
Drunk Karaoke
The Ringtone Industry
Lord Of The Rings Fans
Barbie
Killing The Dodo (They look like they’d have been SUCH fun birds to have around)
Milk Of Magnesia
Lycra
Pirates (The modern ones with guns and outboard motors, not the cool 18th century ones with cutlasses)
Starbucks
Duchamp’s Fountain (It’s a fucking urinal you found, it’s not art and your replicas simply capitalised on notoriety for financial gain)
Self-Help Books With The Number Of Steps In The Journey To Perfection In The Title
Clothes For Pets
Blow-Up Dolls
Christian Rock (That’s the music, not a person)
Sky / Fox News
Paisley (The modern use of the pattern, not the place nor the Reverand Doctor)
Line-dancing
Bestiality Porn
Tetra-pak Easy Pour Spouts (LIES!)
Bastardised Irish Names (Caitlin, Neve, Owen, Shawn, Ashleen, Kaden, ERIN!…)
Alcopops
Fish Knives
Dan Brown
Psychics / Mediums
Interior Design Programmes
Disneyland / World / Location
Novelty Doorbells
The Word “Bodacious”
Genital Piercings
People’s Names Tattooed In Eastern Alphabets They Don’t Understand
Most Customer Service Helplines (*cough…NTL…cough. Actually, fuck the coughing. NT-COCKING-L!)
Estuary English
Katie Price’s Tits / Existence
Bingo
Late Night Television Phone-In Quizzes
Formula 1 Motorsport
Deck Chair Rental
Pet Rocks
Muzak
Caravan Parks
Hitler
Thought I’d end on a light-hearted note. HAPPY MY 4,000th VIEW EVERYONE!
So, I have reached London after my trip to Paris, and have had the pleasure of making a video with a PROPER Youtube star, Gary Caplehorne of CheekTV and his purple puppet (not a euphemism), Cheeky - www.youtube.com/cheektv . Gary and Cheeky have also just been nominated for a Youtube Award by www.youtube.com/daveyboyz so do vote for them! And enjoy the video, I certainly enjoyed making it.
Not content with merely telling you what I do in my own life, I’ve now decided to try and tell you about what imaginary Barry gets up to. Yes, that’s right. I’m doing comedy sketches now. Oh God, when will it end?! Well, here’s where it starts anyway. I’m calling the series “Sketchy Characters” and this is the first video. Hopefully you’ll like it. If you do, spread the word. If you don’t, spread the word nonetheless against your better judgement. They’re all going to be posted to my youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/bazmcstay
Connacht 19 Worcester 7:Connacht continue to stamp their authority on Pool 2 of the Amlin Challenge Cup after tonight’s deserved 19-7 win over Worcester Warriors at the Sportsground.
Soccer:Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp is set to punish players involved in a Christmas party organised behind his back last week and Robbie Keane’s role as skipper could be under scrutiny.
A convicted arsonist has been found guilty by a Central Criminal Court jury ofraping a nine-year-old girl twice on a beach and orally raping her in a Dublin house16 years ago.
World leaders have agreed a "meaningful agreement" on climate change, which aims to hold temperature increases to two degrees Celsius, but have also admitted it is not sufficient to curb global warming, a senior US official has said.
